Brushing your teeth

Unless you’re a real winner, you probably brush your teeth at least two times a day - when you wake up and when you go to bed. Some OCD types brush them a lot more - you know in-between flicking the light switch 1100 times or perhaps after washing their hands for the 300th time since lunch. But for most of us, two or three times a day will keep those teeth looking pretty clean.

However, you ever wonder about that toothbrush and why we don’t replace it after every brush?

 We’re shoving that fucking thing in our dirty ass mouth two or three times a day and then letting it dry somewhere in the bathroom … which is the same room we shit in and every time we flush we’re sending ass matter all over the room … and that ass matter has to land somewhere.

Aside from the free floating ass matter landing on it, you also have the bacteria that has to be building on the toothbrush from session to session because we’re grinding that bitch in our mouths like they scrubbed down Meryl Streep in the movie Silkwood … and then we all spit, brush, spit, rinse, spit, rinse, spit and then one big hacking spit – then we just set that wet fucking toothbrush on the counter or in a little stand and let it just dry in the bathroom until the next brush.

And let’s not even discuss using someone else’s toothbrush … usually this need arises from some casual sexual romp where you end up overnight in some strange women’s place and for some reason you feel compelled to brush your teeth. You generally rationalize using her toothbrush with the mild head nod in the mirror while thinking to yourself… “What the hell, I met her four hours ago and had my face in her crotch for the last three of those hours so I’m pretty much on tilt anyway.”

 … then you splash some Pepsodent Gel on some gawd-awful pink toothbrush and start hacking away at the vaginal plaque that has spot-welded to your teeth.

So I vote for a “one and done” toothbrush strategy … and keep one near your condom supply too.