The Perfect Dump

There might not be too many people who have compiled a list of traits in order to achieve the perfect shit, but the number of people who have can't be that high.  To that end, in order for one to achieve a perfect score (and believe me the East German judge is fucking communist bitch), one must hit on all 16 of the traits below:

1. No splash - it enters the water stealth-like
    

2. Can't adhere to side of bowl - it must live freely
    

3. Clean snap - one wipe and go
    

4. One piece
    

5. No discernible food particles evident
    

6. All one color - no patches or glossy areas
    

7. No follow-up turd
    

8. Dairy Queen curl at the end of it
    

9. Can't help it along - no pushing - must want to come out
    

10. No false starts - no gassy event without firing
     

11. Girth and proportion consistent with red velvet theater rope (minus brass hooks of course)
     

12. No peeking or work-in-process monitoring
     

13. No victory yell - act like you've been there before
     

14. No pictures - you're on the honor system
     

15. You immediately tell someone about it
     

16. You feel compelled to give it an APGAR test