New Year Resolutions

I don't mind going back to work after the holidays as much as I hate having to answer the stupid question of "What are your new year resolutions?" ... because I don't ever make any ...

It doesn't bother me that other people make them because what the hell do I care ... it's just that people always have a little self-righteousness to them when they inform me of their new plans for the year.  In fact, they don't give a shit about any of my resolutions (I could answer the question "buy more lime and dig deeper pits in the basement" and they would go "cool") ... as they just asked the question so they could honor me with all of their accumulated wisdom from the previous 12 months and how they are now going to apply it in the coming year.

And it's always the same "improvements" ...

I'm going to work out three days a week (bullshit you lazy fuck)

I'm going to eat better (sure you are fat boy)

I'm going to read a book a week (my ass, reality TV beckons you)

I'm going to work harder at being a better husband (not 'be' a better husband, just throw in a few sessions of pretend listening)

I'm going to quit smoking (oh fuck - hide the guns ... middle of winter, dark at 4:30, cold as shit, foot of snow - hey let's add to the fun with a quit smoking campaign and go really fucking nuts)

I'm going to spend more time with family and friends (are you shitting me?  You just spent the last two weeks with your family - you think any of them want to see your dumbass more?  Just go back to Aunt Judy's house and grab the fucking plate you left there at Christmas when you brought some tasteless piece of shit dessert that the dog wouldn't eat.

...

So I say skip the new year resolution pants dance and just get on with your life without bullshitting yourself ... you want to change, fucking change then - today, tomorrow, next Tuesday - you don't need some artificial, stupid starting point that is already set up for you to fail as you know you will get a free pass when you laugh in mid February about how you didn't keep your new year resolutions. 

And Aunt Judy did not wash the plate after the dog said "fuck you" to your horseshit cheesecake.