Prescription Drug Commercials

I just watched a commercial for a drug and after listening to the voice over guy tell me precisely all of the possible organ failures and third tits I might grow as a side effect from taking a pill, fuck me, I'll take the affliction over the pill to fix it.

The pill - I think it's Ambien - which makes you fall asleep and stay asleep has so many possible side effects, I could never fall asleep as I would be so stressed out waiting for the anal leakage to occur.  According to the official Ambien website, common side effects of Ambien may include:

• next day drowsiness - great ... a pill that makes you fall asleep and you wake up drowsy - and isn't "drowsy" a great word?  Say it about 10 times and it starts to sound like a dog's name - c'mere Drowsy, c'mere boy ... good dog ... good Drowsy ...

• headaches - same effect as drinking vodka all night and you fall asleep just as fast

• sleepiness - what the fuck - this pill makes you fall sleep and a side effect is sleepiness - you got to be shitting me.  What a crazy side effect.  "Hey Doc, this sleeping pill makes me sleepy.  You sure you gave me the right prescription?"

• dizziness - see headaches

And from the Ambien website, more serious side effects may include:

• temporary amnesia - just like when you were date-raped

• drug dependence - not sure if you take Ambien and suddenly are a Heroin addict too.  Who knows, you might take Ambien once and next thing you know, you're blowing truckers for $10 crack hits.

• withdrawal symptoms when the drug is stopped after being used on a regular basis - nice parallelism

• excessively outgoing or aggressive behavior - might be tough to do asleep

• confusion - you know, after you finish a five hour sleepwalking session and you wake up at "Birds of Feather" bar with a bing cherry in your ass and five shirtless guys dancing and calling you Buffy, you might get confused and go "what the hell is going on?"

• strange behavior - Aside from the above bing cherry incident, you need to define "Strange"

• hallucinations - All for a good night's sleep, you have to endure the ghost of Uncle Bob in your room again - just like on camping trips when you were 10 years old.

• suicidal thoughts - Suicide will definitely get you to sleep, consider it the Platinum package.

This is a lot of shit to worry about when all you're trying to do is fall the fuck asleep.